i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Let's paint friendship bongs
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
