now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
