my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
