conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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