I think my fart just growled at me.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
