it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
