Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
