Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
the raccoons are back...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
