If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
