Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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