Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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