A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
