Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
