You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
