be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Damn victory sex feels great
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
