Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
