it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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