the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
