even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
