I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
