Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So vagazzling was a success
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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