I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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