She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
