I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
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Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
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The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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