Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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