Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
