guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
