I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
