i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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