Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Randomize
