Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.