Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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