oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
