I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
