Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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