Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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