all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
