piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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