Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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