I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
