Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
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Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
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And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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