Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
