last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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