so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
