K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
