I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
