I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
