i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
