dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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