My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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