I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
