You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Randomize
