i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
