Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
as a side note pls kill me
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
