if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
