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Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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