I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
