I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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